The Rhyming Schizophrenic Avenger
Script by Colin J Platt
Copyright Colin J Platt 2015
Mal / Loll: Same person
Larry: Gang member
Lenny: Gang member
Rennie Gang member
Andy Gang member
Hank: Hotel owner
Please be aware that this is part one of an ongoing script and has adult content
Mal and Loll is the same person; born in a man’s body, but always struggling to accept things as they are. Mal pushes herself to the fore and Loll has to take second place in a life of manic schizophrenia and bizarre circumstances. Mal gets cancer but decides to fight to the bitter end with anybody and anything which stands in the way of her pleasure; trouble is it’s not the end but the beginning.
Scene 1: Death in the alley
‘Loll: Mal, will you please go easy with that drink. Please put the bottle away. You know you can’t take hard liquor and we are in a public place.
Mal: I can take anything you can take.
Loll: You are 49 years old! Will you please act it?
Mal: I will do as I please. I am sick and tired of you trying to improve my manners, if people don’t want to know me, well, to hell with them.
Loll: I am just trying to look out for you, you know I love you.
Mal; I know, Loll, but will you please let me have my fun. I am not getting any younger and I want to wring every ounce of life out of what I have left.
Loll: The doctor said that you are supposed to take it easy; the cancer that you have will only get worse if you carry on this way.
Mal: To hell with the doctor, I know what’s best for me, I feel good when I have my booze; I always could take it, you know that.
Loll: I know, Mal, but I am worried for you.
Mal: You are the sweetest and the most caring person I know, Loll, and I love you for it, but let me have this last fling. I love drink, I love men, I love partying and I love you. You wanted me from the first moment we met. Do you remember, Loll?’
Loll: I remember; we were thrown together at the Bottle Mart store. I was nicking strong ale and you were shoplifting vodka, ha, remember the face of the young clerk when you put the soda water on the counter, and you were struggling to keep two bottles of vodka from falling out of your bra.
(Young man walks by.)
Mal: Good times Loll. Hey, doll face, do you want a blow-job?
Loll: Please, Mal, don’t start your shenanigans.
Mal: Shut up, Loll, I am trying to get us some money.
Larry: Are you talking to me, lady?’
Mal: Yes, what are you looking at me like that for?
Larry: I want to make sure that you’re a woman.
Mal: You shit faced bastard. I’ve a good mind to slap you one.
Larry: You try that, lady and I will break your neck.
Mal: Piss off, you little punk.
Larry: I tell you what, why don’t you give my dog a blow job, and I will put it on you tube.
Loll: Let’s go Mal; this is not a nice neighborhood.
Larry: What’s this? Are you talking to yourself? You are one sad case, lady. Get help; go to the hospital, climb to the roof and throw yourself off, ha, ha.
Loll: He’s going, Mal, let’s get out of here.
Mal: I’m going to get even with that bastard.
Loll: Please, Mal, he is just another nobody that you seem to be attracted to.
Mal: I am attracted to men, yes. I am not attracted to people who give me abuse. Look, he’s going into that bar over there. I’m going to follow him and demand an apology.
Loll: Please, Mal, don’t do this. You know the trouble we had in Oklahoma.
Mal: Loll, you are so nervous now, what’s the matter? You used to be a lion. I can remember when you could beat the shit out of people like him. What’s changed?
Loll: I only want to protect you. You are ill, Mal, don’t forget?
Mal: Forget the Illness, I am living now, and by God, I will have my pleasure. Look, Loll, he’s over there with that group of kids.
Loll: I want nothing to do with this, Mal, I have told you what I want, but you are, once again, going your way.
Mal: That’s like a song, or movie, Loll. Remember the film? ‘Going my way’; how wonderful it was. Bing Crosby was the tops then. Life is certainly weird and wonderful isn’t it, Loll? He was the tops then and now it is my turn. Come on, loll, and let’s start a little trouble. Hey you, shit face.
Larry: Well, if it isn’t the Drag Queen?
Mal: I want an apology off you.
Larry: OK, then, here it is. I’m sorry you are a feeble excuse for a woman. I’m also sorry that you didn’t commit suicide last night then I wouldn’t have this conversation.
Mal: You little swine, I ought to kick you in the balls.
Larry; Here I am lady, let me see you try.
Mal: Come outside and I will.
Larry: Well, lady, here we are.
Mal: So we are, and here it is.
Larry: Oh, you fucking whore, I will kill you for that.
Mal: You will have to catch me first, shit face.
Loll: Quick, Mal, let’s get out of here, we don’t want the law here, you know we can’t get mixed up with them again.
Mal: I am enjoying myself, but I can’t run so quickly these days.
Loll: What are you running down this alleyway for? His friends will follow us.
Mal: I want them to.
Loll: Please, Mal, not that.
Mal: If they want to play, let them. I am not someone to back away from a fight, you know that.
Loll: Dear God, please no, Mal.
Lenny: Here she is, Larry, I said she must be nuts for running into this alley. We can rape the shit out of her and then dump her in the river.’
Larry: You can rape the shit out of her you mean; I wouldn’t touch her with your dick, Lenny. I will cut her tits off though, that will be a good start eh?
Mal: You boys seem to be angry for some reason? Can you not just leave this as it is? It was a fair fight after all.
Larry: No-can-do, lady, you have to be dealt with properly. We are the Danger-Boys and this is our area, see, nobody can come here and start trouble; not even the Mince-Kids from twelfth street, let alone a scruffy disease ridden scum-bag like you.
Mal: I don’t know why I like coming to places like this, Loll. I suppose it is the excitement of it all.
Larry: Who are you talking to, lady? Are you nuts?
Mal: I am talking to my husband and he is going to teach you a lesson.
Loll: Please, Mal, let’s just get it over with.
Larry: OK, enough of this shit. Rennie, Duke, hold her down and gag her, and I will cut her tits off.
Mal: Come near me and I will kill you, be warned.
Loll: Please Mal, not again.
Mal: Hush, Loll, they are asking for it, so I will oblige them.
Larry: Yeah, lady, how are you going to oblige us?
Mal: Come here and find out, shit face.
Andy: What’s she doing? I think she’s is a total nutter, Larry, maybe we better just leave her.
Larry: Are you getting scared, Andy?’
Andy: No, but look at her, she is dancing around in a circle and singing as though she didn’t care!’
Mal: One two buckle my shoe. Three four knock at the door.
Loll: Please Mal, let’s hurry it up.
Mal: No, I want to enjoy it. Five six pickup sticks.
Loll: Watch it, Mal, here he comes.
Mal: A turn to the right, a turn to the left, one dead, two dead, all get red.
They’re starting to run, they have no gun, and I hope to God they have no sons.
Three dead, four dead, five dead, six dead, seven dead with lead in the head.
Now, that was easy, loll; you see how you were worried about nothing.
Loll: Put the gun away while I pick up the empty cases, we don’t want the police getting any evidence.
Mal: I must admit you picked a good place to hide my walther, right here in my bra, and I can also fit the silencer in there.
Loll: OK, Mal, let’s get out of here.
Mal: Right you are Loll, what now? Do you want to go to Niagara Falls? It is lovely at this time of year.
Loll: We have to lie low for a bit. OK, Mal, we can travel easy now, these bums had some serious money on them.
‘That’s the spirit Loll, screw these no-hopers. All he had to say was sorry.
Loll: You’re right, Mal, I am getting too soft. Screw these scum bags.
Mal: We’ll pick up our bags from the motel and off we go just you and me, Loll.
Loll: Yeah, just you and me, Mal, same as always, we can take on the world!
Scene two: Saddle Bum bar
Mal: Well, Loll, here we are in another shit hole of a motel. What say you to going out for a little dinner, just you and me?
Loll: Hey, look at this in the paper, Mal; the police are baffled by the deaths of seven members of a local gang who were shot in an alley in a suburb of Chicago, we were in the same place!
Mal: I wonder who did it, loll.
Loll: The police say it was probably a rival gang.
Loll: What is this world coming to Mal?
Mal: I know, ha, ha. Screw them all, Loll, let’s buy a car and cruise up to Canada, but first let’s get some food, but first I want you to listen to a poem I wrote, it is entitled ‘Our Leader’
I want to pay tribute to our beloved leader.
It wasn’t his fault that he was bit by a beaver.
He got ill with the pox and couldn’t function
He didn’t know the difference from the toilet to a luncheon.
He got out one day and headed for the town it was enough to make his family frown.
He only got as far as the local bar where he managed to meet striptease star.
He was so taken with her that he tried to touch her long hair.
Her boyfriend came over and didn’t recognize our leader, and then he grabbed him by the balls. Our leader cried out, people started to shout, that’s our leader don’ let him fall.
Her boyfriend let go, our leader fell low and collapsed in a pile on the floor.
Give him some air and get him a chair said the people who stood above him.
I’ll be alright said our leader in falsetto voice, maybe I made the wrong choice, I should have grabbed her soft bits instead of her long bits then I wouldn’t feel so bad.
The girl bent over to help our leader she had a lovely smile, our leader saw her cleavage and couldn’t get his leverage he had to tweak her bits.
Her boyfriend saw this came over with a hiss a knocked our leaders teeth in.
It was our leader’s fate to swallow his plate. Our leader now is legend.
Our leader is gone but not forgotten like her boyfriend who feels so rotten.
He is now in jail awaiting his bail but maybe he will be acquitted.
But he should have recognized our leader and been quick witted.
They should put a plaque up in the bar to say…
Our leader was a man of the people, he wouldn’t quit.
He only wanted to feel her soft bits.
Loll: I love it Mal, it is so thoughtful and emotional.
Mal: Thank you, Loll, I try to put feeling into it, maybe I should try to publish it?
Loll: I wouldn’t bother just yet, Mal. Why don’t you wait until you… get better?
Mal: You know I won’t get better, Loll.
Loll: Miracles happen, Mal.
Mal: You sweet guy, the thing I feel most sad about is leaving you, Loll.
Loll: I won’t be able to live without you, Mal.
Mal: Don’t be silly, Loll. You will find someone to love you again.
Loll: No, Mal, you are the only woman I have ever wanted. I used to look in the mirror and see your face, Mal; I don’t know if I ever told you that before?
Mal: You sweet, sweet guy, come on Loll, let’s go to the Mall and do some shoplifting.
Loll: Please Mal, not now.
Mal: I’m only joking, loll, we can afford lunch now, yes?
Loll: Yes, Mal, anything you fancy.
Mal: OK, Loll, we are here in the Saddle Bum bar, let’s order beer and ribs.
Loll: Why did you want to come here? This is a crappy place to eat, I wanted us to dine well for once, and not be bothered by bums.
Mal: Relax, Loll, I like these places, the people are real characters, not like Dean Westwell, remember him? He said he wanted to give me some of his stock, I went with him to his office and as soon as the door was shut he tried to drug me with his champagne. I was sure glad you followed us in there Loll; you broke his arm as he tried to get my pants off.
Loll: I knew he was keen on you, Mal, I saw the way he ogled your legs as you sat down.
Mal: You’re my knight in shining denim, Loll. (Old man walks up)
Hank: Are you new here, honey? I haven’t seen you around before.
Mal: I’m with my husband.
Hank: Where is he? Or are you trying to be hard to get?
Mal: He’s around; he always turns up when I need him.
Hank: Well, if he doesn’t turn up I will be pleased to escort you wherever you want to go.
Mal: That’s sweet, thank you.
Hank: It’s not often we see a real lady here.
Mal: I like these sorts of places, they excite me.
Hank: I know lots of exciting places and people.
Mal: I bet you do, what’s your name?
Hank: Henry, what’s yours?
Mal: Mal, its short for Marylyn.
Hank: Wow, I like it, and you can call me Hank, if you like, its short for Henry. Would you like some ribs and beer?
Mal: I’m expecting my husband any time, but if he doesn’t show up after I come back from the ladies room, I’ll certainly have a bite or two with you. (Mal/ Loll go to the toilet)
Loll: Mal, what are you trying to do? This guy is old enough to be your father.
Mal: I am trying to be courteous, he likes me, I can see that and he wants to pay.
Loll: He wants to get your pants off, I can see that.
Mal: You can be very gloomy sometimes, Loll.
Loll: I want to protect you, but you make it so hard, OK, I will let you have your little fling; just make sure you use protection.
Mal: What’s the point, I ’m dying anyway.
Loll: The point is I want you to be safe.
Mal: Thank you, Loll, but I can take care of myself, although I want you to be near; promise me you will be?
Loll: Of course I will; we are like Siamese twins.
Mal: I wrote another poem last night, would you like to hear it, Loll?
Loll: Yes, Mal, you are so talented.
Mal: It’s called Mutant Army.
I remember all my friends from the Rebel Army but most of them were filthy and barmy.
How can you live with people who think that being a rebel you have to stink?
My killer robot is my best friend he saved my life at Newton’s bend.
The Mutant army was camped in a dell I rolled a barrel bomb down and sent them to hell.
Why do they still function when they are blown to bits?
It’s enough to send me to the pits.
It’s unnerving seeing a severed head trying to talk or a single leg hopping and trying to walk.
Stinky McKenzie knew what was what he would pick up the bits and put them in a pot.
The other people in our crew didn’t have a clue what was in the stew.
Laurie Dingle was one of our mates she was married to a guy called Luke.
She didn’t know what the stew contained, when we told her boy did she puke.
She would let the boys have their way with her, sometimes all at once.
Mutants caught them at it one day they saved Dingle but blew the boys away.
I was upwind having a crap when I heard the scrap but there was nothing I could do.
When I got back the whole place was black with bits of my friends on trees;
What could I do but sit down and scratch I just couldn’t get rid of the fleas.
All the boys were scattered around like confetti at a wedding.
But first things first the fleas had to go I had to get rid of my bedding.
I stripped down to bathe in the river so mucky ten minutes later I came out
as dirty but boy was I lucky; one of the Mutants had come back for his bag which was hanging on a tree, it contained an assortment of female adornments I guess he was a transvestite?
A transvestite Mutant I had never heard of but no matter whether her or he, my robot shot him in the rear and it blew him all over me.
Now I will have to bathe again there was more of the gore on me than the floor.
Two hours later I was at the Mutants camp they were having their way with Dingle.
There were forty odd Mutants standing in a line I knew this was my moment.
I told my robot to stay in the trees while I crept up behind them on my knees.
I stood up to shoot but to my surprise my pants fell down around my thighs.
The Mutants turned around they were having a fit, I pulled the trigger and blew them to bits.
Luckily Dingle was fine apart from the swine who was still trying to fondle her, he only had an arm and part of a leg which was now just a peg but his hand was clutching her bosom.
I shoved it away with a look of dismay as Dingle gazed at me.
Let’s get away from here she said I’m losing my sanity.
I said no wonder you’re sad it’s a blessing you’re not mad, come, we’ll make our way to town.
As we set off to walk some of the bits that could talk said, ‘We’ll get you yet.’
I looked down with disgust at the mess and the pus and gave them a second helping.
They exploded in fire and fell in the mire, oh, what a sight.
Dingle was shaking and I was quaking, we walked for a while she started to smile I asked what happened to your husband?
She said he got blown up in a train and it altered his brain then they turned him into a Mutant.
I said, my God what a future he’s going to have. She said no it’s OK you shot him today he was one of the Mutants inline.
Loll: I love it, Mal; it really shows your blooming talent.
Mal: I’ve got plenty more where that came from, Loll, but have I got the time?
Loll: Please don’t overdo it, Mal.
Mal: I will try to be more of a lady, Loll; you always wanted me to wear conservative clothes didn’t you?
Loll: I also like you in short skirts, you always had good legs.
Mal: Thank you Loll, now, for Mr. Money bags.
(Mal/ Loll walks back into the bar.)
Hank: I thought you were never coming out, honey.
Mal: You’re very eager Mr.?
Hank: Just call me Hank; we don’t want to get bogged down by getting overly familiar, do we?
Mal: You just want a one night stand then?
Hank: Who knows, maybe you could be my regular girl.
Mal: I’m afraid not, my husband wouldn’t like that.
Hank: Well, what about coming over to my hotel for a short while?
Mal: OK, but I have to warn you I like to be pampered.
Hank: Me too, you could scrub my back while we take a bath.
Scene three: Hanks hotel
Mal: You naughty man, OK, let’s go.
(They arrive at Hanks hotel)
Mal: My, you have expensive tastes, Hank; this is the top suit isn’t it?
Hank: Yes, and now you can strip off and get on that bed.
Mal: Hold on a bit, you said you wanted to be pampered.
Hank: I’ve changed my mind, I want you on all fours, now get in there.
Mal: I have to warn you that my husband won’t like this; he will beat you silly if you don’t treat me right.
Hank: Oh, I will treat you right; you tarted up excuse for a woman.
Mal: Well, now, I can see you for what you are; a perverted old man.
Hank: And I can see you for what you are, did you think I couldn’t see the Addams apple? You’re just an old perverted man with a fetish for women’s clothes, now get them off!
Mal: I will scream and bring the house down.
Hank: Try it and see what you get, this room is sound proofed and no one will come, do you want to know why? It is because I am the owner, now will you get in there?
Mal: Be nice to me and I will forget all this nastiness, but if you keep this up my husband will beat you black and blue.
Hank: Oh and how will he do that? There is no way he will get in here.
Mal: (stands in the Karate fighting position)
Hank: Well, look at this, I can’t believe my luck, I used to be the county wrestling champion and can still beat the tar out of you.
Mal: And I used to be kicked all over the place until I learnt Karate so it should be a fair fight.
Hank: I’m going to kill you; I know I can get away with it. I have killed many people like you, I hate your type, I will slowly strangle you and then I will cut you up and drop you down the rubbish chute.
Mal: (looking serious) Loll, are you there?
Loll: Yes, baby, I’m here and I will defend you with all my might.
Hank: What is this? Are you crazy?
Loll: Everybody is a little crazy, mister, so do your worst.
Hank: (runs at Mal/Loll, Loll kicks him in the stomach and follows it up with an elbow to the side of the face. Hank folds up and collapses in a heap.)
Mal: I think he’s dead, Loll.
Loll: Good riddance, I say, let’s get out of here, Mal.
Mal: First let’s check out his wallet, seven hundred dollars, not bad. Get his keys and we’ll look for the safe.
Loll: It could be anywhere?
Mal: You forget, Loll, I’ve been in these places many times, I can smell it, you can be sure it’s behind a locked cabinet.
Loll; Yes here it is, but the safe key isn’t here and there is a combination lock also.
Mal: I can crack the combination, and we will be sure to find the key in another locked cabinet. The most important thing is to find the tape recorder; he probably keeps it nearby as he wouldn’t want anyone to find it.
Loll: It will probably be in the next room. (Loll looks for the key but it’s not there)
Mal: (sitting down and pondering) If I read this right, we could be in big money, Loll.
Loll: How do you mean?
Mal: Mr. Pervert over there probably has things in order, and I think he would keep a backup money supply.
Loll: You mean he has another safe?
Mal: Yes, or a stack somewhere, maybe in a place where no one would ever think of looking, but me.
Loll: How do we get in the next room without making a noise?
Mal: Use your head, Loll, look in the drawers; it’s probably taped under one of them.
Loll: (finds the key and goes into the room) Wow, this place is a regular palace, Mal; Mr. Pervert must have had a fortune.
Hank: Have, you mean, I’m not dead yet.
(Mal looks around to see Hank stood at the door with a flick knife in hand)
Mal: You will be if you don’t tell me where your real money is.
Hank: You’re a regular little schemer, aren’t you?
Mal: I’m more than that; I’m your worst nightmare.
(Hank comes toward Mal slowly with the knife. Mal pulls her gun out and shoots him in the kneecap)
Hank: You little shit!
Mal: You didn’t know I had a gun, did you? Now, give me the combination and keys of the other safe and be quick about it.
Hank: I’d rather die than give you anything.
Mal: (shoots him in the other kneecap)
Hank: Aaaah, you bloody bastard, OK, it’s behind the bath panel.
Mall: (finds the key and gets the combination and location of the safe from Hank)
Mal: OK, Mr. Moneybags, after we get the tapes and stuff from the other safe we will leave you in peace, if you ever try to inform the police or anyone else about what happened here, then these tapes of your former crimes will be brought out of storage, do you understand?
Mal: You will have to say that you shot yourself by accident which will make you seem like a complete fool, but accidents happen, yes?
Hank: Just go away, I want to get help.
Mal: Yes, you will probably know someone who will patch you up with no questions asked. If you ever try to find me, I will be back and finish you off. Well, it’s not been very nice to meet you, remember me as someone who will keep a close eye on your life from now on, so try to be better. Bye.
(Mal/ Loll walks out of the hotel like a call girl; with a large shopping type bag over her shoulder, no one takes any notice.)
Loll: What now, Mal?
Mal: I think a taxi to the bus station and on to Canada, Loll. By the way, I have a new poem for you, would you like to hear it?
Loll: Of course, Mal.
Mal: It’s called my Killer Robot.
My Killer Robot
I have a killer robot that makes me feel so proud.
Whenever I’m in trouble he always shouts so loud.
Leave my Daddy alone or I will kill you, he exclaims.
I should take him back to the factory but I want him to remain.
How could I get by without my robot back-up?
People in the city feel they should pack up.
Why should I leave my home and roots just because Mutants have decided to loot.
The Government can’t help they are adverse; some people say they are a curse.
I wish I could go back to 2095 when everything was so simple,
You could take a robot pill to get rid of a pimple.
How did it come to Earth War three?
It still baffles me.
Star ships came to help us move to an unknown world where
Things would be approved.
The Alien-Bods are a terrible race they try to kill us at every place.
I pray to God to get rid of the Bods, but all we get are more Mutant pods.
Our band of rebels is getting less, everyone is under stress.
We need a leader like Genghis Khan but all we have is Jerry Macfarn.
He’s not so bad but without his feet he can’t really run, his life is now bleak.
He has robot legs which do as they please they separated at the knees.
His name is now shorty, his life became strife when Mutant s tried to grab his wife.
They grabbed her behind she turned around to find Mutants ogling her bits.
She tried to scream but no one was seen until Jerry came on the scene.
He leveled his laser-gun but the Mutant was faster by a ton.
Shorty was struck in the thighs it reduced his size but his courage never did falter.
What became of his wife no one knows perhaps she’s a Mutant now?
I can remember I had my way with her but she was as a silly cow.
I remember Jack Crow he was the leader of our squad, he had a face like a ferret but a body like a God.
Alien-Bods captured him in Bose they cut off his scrotum and sewed it to his nose.
Now he is known as the dick that smelled an unfitting tribute to a guy so swell.
I remember his wife she was as lovely as Venus, but her husband had a nose like a penis.
She left him flat, he then became fat with nothing but eat but garbage and crap.
He decided to attack the Mutants camp but he only got as far as the main door ramp.
A Mutant jumped from high on the walls and landed on his face and his balls.
Life was never the same after that, how could it be with a face like a t—.
Loll: I love it Mal, it’s so you.
Mal: Thank you Loll, OK, let’s go.
To be continued in The Rhyming Schizophrenic Avenger Book Two
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